So I'm finally starting. I have a story to tell that I've been wanting to share for about 5 months now. This past year was everything but normal. There were so many exciting events and new beginnings for our family. As I looked at the 2012 calendar it seemed like the year would fly by and that it did. But in the midst of all the weddings, school, and church activities, the Lord was trying to get my attention. He had something He wanted me to learn, but I was too busy to slow down and listen.
Finally, he grabbed my attention in mid September when Josh and I found out we were expecting. This is where the story begins. I've tried to think of ways to tell you what the Lord has been doing, but like I said, I'm not a writer. The best way to share this story with you is through a letter I wrote to Paisley explaining to her the journey her father and I have been on since we married and even before. This is her story. This is God's story. So if you choose to hang in there, you might learn more about the grace of God than you knew before. You might join me in discovering just how amazing His grace is.
Paisley Grace,
I want to tell you a story. A story of how the Lord prepared us for you before we even thought about you being with us. This is a story about how good and Sovereign the God we serve is. Your dad always tells me how terrible I am at telling stories (because I include so many little details), but I wanted to write to you every little detail I can remember so you can see how the Lord has been working in our life since we met.
Your dad and I never planned to get married in college. At least while I still had two years left. But our plans were not the Lord's plans. After a year and a half of dating, your dad proposed and we planned to marry before I started my junior year and your dad's senior year. Although I was completely ecstatic, I was scared to death of getting pregnant in college. I was sure I wanted to finish school and I knew it would be hard if we had a baby.
We continued to receive confirmation that the Lord wanted us to marry. Your dad received a part time youth ministry job at a small church a month after we were engaged and the Lord continued to show us that He would provide for us. We were so excited for what the coming summer would bring in marriage and in ministry. Yet I continued to tell your dad (and so many other people) that I was so afraid we would get pregnant. So, as we prepared for marriage, there was no question I would take birth control. Well, there were actually many questions, but I put them in the back of my mind. I struggled with making a decision and put it off as long as I could. There was conflict within me, but I chose to start taking birth control. I hated it. The five months I was taking it, I never stopped questioning if I was right in my decision. Your dad and I had many conversations about stopping, but I was so scared. Your dad continued to remind me that when we got married, we never prayed that we would not have a child, but that we would have a child in the Lord's timing. And like the Lord continues to remind me, His plans are so much better than mine.
And this is where the story changes. Let me give you some background on where I am going. Paisley, I don't have the typical salvation experience or story that many have. I grew up in church and when I was very young I remember praying with a Sunday school teacher to "ask Jesus into my heart," but as I got older I couldn't remember much about that experience and I began to doubt. So when I was about to start 7th grade, I wanted to be sure I was saved. I was at Falls Creek and I remember the pastor making a statement in the cabin devotion time that if we were to die tonight and were not sure that we would go to heaven, we needed to get that settled that night. That will sure make someone doubt their salvation and fear hell. So I doubted and I feared, but I wanted to "get that settled." I went out and prayed the prayer if repentance with the pastor's wife that night, but not much changed in my life. It wasn't until my freshman year that the Lord got my attention and I changed my heart. I know that year was a turning point in my life, but I never "prayed a prayer." All that to say, I have had various seasons in my life (even recently) when I doubted my salvation.
The most recent season came right after your father and I married and right before we took our youth group to Falls Creek. Your dad and I married at the beginning of June and this doubt came in the middle of July. It all started with doubting my salvation again. The devil began to remind me of all the times I "prayed a prayer" and I realized I did not know that exact point when the Holy Spirit entered my life. I didn't tell your dad what was going on yet. We took the youth to Falls Creek and I began to fear even more. The fear and doubt increased more that week and continued to increase in the weeks that followed. When we returned from Falls Creek, I told your dad what was happening. Things continued to get worse. Not only was I doubting my salvation, but I was fearing death. I also began to doubt God and His Word. Although I was in doubt, I never stopped crying out to God for help. I was scared and crippled by fear. I couldn't function. I never knew what spiritual warfare was until then. After all, this all came at a time when the Lord was doing some amazing things in our youth. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and was constantly sick. Your dad and I felt darkness present in our home and we knew we were under attack by the enemy. We continued to speak scripture over our home and cry out to God, but we did not feel like the Lord was answering our cries for help. For weeks I was overcome with fear and doubt and worry.
I began to examine my life and search for hidden sin. Did I have sin in my life that I was not acknowledging? What was it? There were two distinct things I began to think about as I asked these questions. I had been disobedient in these areas of my life and I had not been listening to the Lord. The first was a relationship in my life that needed mending. I had some unforgiveness towards an individual and I needed to apologize. The second was that I knew I shouldn't be on birth control and I was disobedient in taking it in the beginning. I knew that the uneasiness I had been feeling was the Lord trying to get my attention. I took action immediately. First, I went to that individual and apologized for many things and I started working to better that relationship. Second, I quit birth control.
At this time it was mid August and school would be starting soon. We knew there was a chance we could get pregnant, but we were trusting the Lord for his timing. As school approached, I was still struggling with fear and doubt and I also began to have questions about grace and works. I was still seeking help from the Lord. I began to seek counseling from my boss and also a professional counselor. I was having questions like, "Why do I continue to sin if I am saved?" and "How can I be saved if I continue to sin?" As I met with my boss, we discussed my lack to understanding about grace. I couldn't understand how the simple answer to all my questions was grace. By grace we are saved through faith and that is all it takes. (There is more to come about grace). I went to see a counselor in mid September. School had started and I was still sick because of anxiety. At my last meeting with the counselor, he gave me a practical technique to deal with anxiety. He also explained to me that a lot of the anxiety I was having was because of my own patterns of thinking. When I began to have one fearful thought, I would dwell on it and continue to let it grow into a ridiculous amount of unreasonable fears and doubts. He told me I had to change my pattern of thinking. He suggested I find ONE thing that makes me in awe of who God is so that when I begin to have a doubtful or fearful thought, I can take the thought captive and begin thinking about that ONE thing. He gave me an example. For him, he used a tree. He said to deal with his anxiety and doubt, he looked at a tree every day. He was amazed by the process of a tree being made - how the seed has to fall to the ground, sprout up and grow, and how the leafs of a tree all look very different. For him, it was as simple as looking at a tree. I didn't know what it could be for me.
I left that day trying to think of what it was that amazed me and made me in awe of who God is. I thought about a sunset, but not all sunsets look like they do in Oklahoma. And who wouldn't say creation made them in awe of who God is? It's biblical. But I was doubting the Word of God. I needed something else. Something unique. Something that really proclaimed there was a God. So it took me a few weeks to think about it. One night at home I was having a chat with God. I found what it was! I found the thing that proclaimed there was a God! It was a baby! A human being! The process of a human being being formed in a mother's womb. I thought about how amazing it is that it only takes a sperm and an egg to form who I am today. Who we are! Now, I wasn't asking to have my own baby, but I just knew that was the ONE thing I could use to change my patterns of thinking. Next time I began to doubt God, I would think of the lives all around me that He has created out of two small cells joining together. How each individual looks differently (even identical twins) and how we each differ in personality. When I had this conversation with God, I was just a couple weeks pregnant, but I had no idea.
A few weeks later, we found out we were going to have you. We cried. We were scared. I was still in school and neither of us had a full-time job and we were still living off our parents. Not to mention, I hadn't even been normal for the last two months (and only months) of our marriage. After the shock wore off, we began to get very excited. I had yet to tell your dad the conversation I had with God about a baby developing being that ONE thing that made me in awe of who Gad is. I had even forgotten the conversation myself. It was only a couple weeks later that I remembered and had a good chuckle about God's sense of humor.
Paisley, you were the answer we had been looking for! God answered our cries for help with a baby! With you! For so long we felt the Lord was absent in our life. We felt that He was not hearing us and that He was not answering us. Little did we know, He gave us exactly what we needed and He was preparing us - preparing me - long before we knew you. Paisley, the Lord used you to show us that He is Immanuel, God with us. And even when we feel like He is distant, He is present. He never leaves us or forsakes us. So how would all this change my thinking? Every single day I get to see how you are growing. I get to see what is happening in me and how your little life is being formed right before my eyes. I have a pregnancy app that updates me weekly on how you are growing and what is changing in my body and developing in yours. Although it says the same thing for a week, I check it almost every single day. I am definitely in awe of who God is.
After we found out we were having a baby, our next question was boy or girl? Naturally, I wanted a girl and your dad wanted a boy. Many people were convinced you would be a boy, but your dad thought you were a girl. The closer we were to finding out, the less we had a preference. We just wanted to call you something other than baby. As a side note, we had names picked out since the first summer we started dating. We were ready to give you a name.
Another side note: For the last few months I have been walking through a devotional study with my boss called "Lord, I Need Grace to Make it Today." The more I sought counsel from her about my questions regarding grace, the more I knew I needed someone wiser to disciple me and walk with me through Scripture. When I talked with her, she knew this would be a good study for me. For the last few months, I have learned more about grace than I have my whole life. I understand more about grace and I have experienced grace in ways I never knew I could before. I am also seeing how the Lord has given me grace upon grace in the past, when I never recognized His grace. The Lord has been so good to me.
We found out that you were going to be a girl on January 2, 2013. Your dad wasn't surprised, but I was! Needless to say, we were both ecstatic! I told your dad that we shouldn't be surprised at all that you were a girl after all that I have learned about grace. There was a reason the Lord planned for your name to be Paisley Grace two years ago (and long before we even chose a name)! Oh Paisley, I am so excited to hold you in my arms.
Paisley, my prayer for you is that you will understand the power of God's saving grace. That you will understand that you can only be saved by grace through faith and grace alone. That nothing you do can save you. It is only what He has already done for us. I pray that you know when you sin, he gives us grace upon grace to cover our sins when we are His children. Your dad and I promise to teach you about grace and display grace towards one another in our home. We love you and cannot wait to meet you. Thank you for teaching us more about the awesome God we serve.
Love,
Mom
Friends, if you are still reading, thank you for sticking with it. My prayer as I started this blog was that I would be able to help you discover the grace of God in your own life through Paisley's story. I pray that you always remember Ephesians 2:8-9 - For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
I began to examine my life and search for hidden sin. Did I have sin in my life that I was not acknowledging? What was it? There were two distinct things I began to think about as I asked these questions. I had been disobedient in these areas of my life and I had not been listening to the Lord. The first was a relationship in my life that needed mending. I had some unforgiveness towards an individual and I needed to apologize. The second was that I knew I shouldn't be on birth control and I was disobedient in taking it in the beginning. I knew that the uneasiness I had been feeling was the Lord trying to get my attention. I took action immediately. First, I went to that individual and apologized for many things and I started working to better that relationship. Second, I quit birth control.
At this time it was mid August and school would be starting soon. We knew there was a chance we could get pregnant, but we were trusting the Lord for his timing. As school approached, I was still struggling with fear and doubt and I also began to have questions about grace and works. I was still seeking help from the Lord. I began to seek counseling from my boss and also a professional counselor. I was having questions like, "Why do I continue to sin if I am saved?" and "How can I be saved if I continue to sin?" As I met with my boss, we discussed my lack to understanding about grace. I couldn't understand how the simple answer to all my questions was grace. By grace we are saved through faith and that is all it takes. (There is more to come about grace). I went to see a counselor in mid September. School had started and I was still sick because of anxiety. At my last meeting with the counselor, he gave me a practical technique to deal with anxiety. He also explained to me that a lot of the anxiety I was having was because of my own patterns of thinking. When I began to have one fearful thought, I would dwell on it and continue to let it grow into a ridiculous amount of unreasonable fears and doubts. He told me I had to change my pattern of thinking. He suggested I find ONE thing that makes me in awe of who God is so that when I begin to have a doubtful or fearful thought, I can take the thought captive and begin thinking about that ONE thing. He gave me an example. For him, he used a tree. He said to deal with his anxiety and doubt, he looked at a tree every day. He was amazed by the process of a tree being made - how the seed has to fall to the ground, sprout up and grow, and how the leafs of a tree all look very different. For him, it was as simple as looking at a tree. I didn't know what it could be for me.
I left that day trying to think of what it was that amazed me and made me in awe of who God is. I thought about a sunset, but not all sunsets look like they do in Oklahoma. And who wouldn't say creation made them in awe of who God is? It's biblical. But I was doubting the Word of God. I needed something else. Something unique. Something that really proclaimed there was a God. So it took me a few weeks to think about it. One night at home I was having a chat with God. I found what it was! I found the thing that proclaimed there was a God! It was a baby! A human being! The process of a human being being formed in a mother's womb. I thought about how amazing it is that it only takes a sperm and an egg to form who I am today. Who we are! Now, I wasn't asking to have my own baby, but I just knew that was the ONE thing I could use to change my patterns of thinking. Next time I began to doubt God, I would think of the lives all around me that He has created out of two small cells joining together. How each individual looks differently (even identical twins) and how we each differ in personality. When I had this conversation with God, I was just a couple weeks pregnant, but I had no idea.
A few weeks later, we found out we were going to have you. We cried. We were scared. I was still in school and neither of us had a full-time job and we were still living off our parents. Not to mention, I hadn't even been normal for the last two months (and only months) of our marriage. After the shock wore off, we began to get very excited. I had yet to tell your dad the conversation I had with God about a baby developing being that ONE thing that made me in awe of who Gad is. I had even forgotten the conversation myself. It was only a couple weeks later that I remembered and had a good chuckle about God's sense of humor.
Paisley, you were the answer we had been looking for! God answered our cries for help with a baby! With you! For so long we felt the Lord was absent in our life. We felt that He was not hearing us and that He was not answering us. Little did we know, He gave us exactly what we needed and He was preparing us - preparing me - long before we knew you. Paisley, the Lord used you to show us that He is Immanuel, God with us. And even when we feel like He is distant, He is present. He never leaves us or forsakes us. So how would all this change my thinking? Every single day I get to see how you are growing. I get to see what is happening in me and how your little life is being formed right before my eyes. I have a pregnancy app that updates me weekly on how you are growing and what is changing in my body and developing in yours. Although it says the same thing for a week, I check it almost every single day. I am definitely in awe of who God is.
After we found out we were having a baby, our next question was boy or girl? Naturally, I wanted a girl and your dad wanted a boy. Many people were convinced you would be a boy, but your dad thought you were a girl. The closer we were to finding out, the less we had a preference. We just wanted to call you something other than baby. As a side note, we had names picked out since the first summer we started dating. We were ready to give you a name.
Another side note: For the last few months I have been walking through a devotional study with my boss called "Lord, I Need Grace to Make it Today." The more I sought counsel from her about my questions regarding grace, the more I knew I needed someone wiser to disciple me and walk with me through Scripture. When I talked with her, she knew this would be a good study for me. For the last few months, I have learned more about grace than I have my whole life. I understand more about grace and I have experienced grace in ways I never knew I could before. I am also seeing how the Lord has given me grace upon grace in the past, when I never recognized His grace. The Lord has been so good to me.
We found out that you were going to be a girl on January 2, 2013. Your dad wasn't surprised, but I was! Needless to say, we were both ecstatic! I told your dad that we shouldn't be surprised at all that you were a girl after all that I have learned about grace. There was a reason the Lord planned for your name to be Paisley Grace two years ago (and long before we even chose a name)! Oh Paisley, I am so excited to hold you in my arms.
Paisley, my prayer for you is that you will understand the power of God's saving grace. That you will understand that you can only be saved by grace through faith and grace alone. That nothing you do can save you. It is only what He has already done for us. I pray that you know when you sin, he gives us grace upon grace to cover our sins when we are His children. Your dad and I promise to teach you about grace and display grace towards one another in our home. We love you and cannot wait to meet you. Thank you for teaching us more about the awesome God we serve.
Love,
Mom
Friends, if you are still reading, thank you for sticking with it. My prayer as I started this blog was that I would be able to help you discover the grace of God in your own life through Paisley's story. I pray that you always remember Ephesians 2:8-9 - For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
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